Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mother's Day, from Moab, Utah

       Those who know me well, know of Emma. My daughter. 
       She died before she was born.

       So I share this day, Mother's Day, with millions of women who unlike me, wear the Mom Badge for having survived:
* Endless nights of walking the floor.
* Singing nonsensical songs over and over .... and over and over.
* Streams, miles and piles of pee, vomit, poop; and baby burps.
* Tripping over toys; tracking down toys; putting toys together. Toys, toys, toys.
* Trying to figure out where it hurts; trying to figure out how to stop the hurt; knowing when you have to let it hurt.
* And letting go of the tiny hand; agreeing to stop holding hands in public; handing over the keys to the car. And handing over that hand to someone else.
A wonderful friend sent a poem to me with various titles: Awesome Mom, Before I Was A Mom, Being a Mom. And I cried. Not out of grief for what I never had, but because I finally found the words  to explain why I, who never raised a child,  wear that Mom Badge, too:
    Until Emma, "I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body."
Happy Mother's Day. 
By the way, here's Emma's picture, along with a wonderful tribute my husband Allen wrote in 1997. But please, when you look, understand Emma never lived outside my body, so this picture is of her in death. 
Here's another special link, EmmaKate, a song written in her honor by   John Eidsvoog. Listen to the end, and you can hear her flight into Heaven. In Jeremiah 1:5, God said, "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you; before you were born, I set you apart." 


LeLaLayla said...

I love you Nan <3 You have always been my other mom and always will be! <3 (((hug)))

Jill said...

How fitting, that on Mother's Day you were in Moab. Think about the book of Ruth. She was from Moab. Think how much she loved and honored Naomi, her mother-in-law. She was not bound by blood, but by love. Think of all the children's lives you have touched and who love you just like Ruth loved Naomi. To think that so many children, many now grown, feel love towards you, when they are not bound by blood or what's expected...that's a special kind of love for you!

Laura Timm said...

I hope this isn't an intrusion, but I've been following your blog ever since we got our Navion, and you and I have had a few email exchanges in the past. I just couldn't read this post and not comment. You are one of the most positive, life-affirming people I've ever come across, and your outlook on life always challenges me to be on the lookout for beauty, detail, the unexpected, and finding good in what seems not to be good at all, at first glance. And you've been a mother, in ways that some of us can't imagine. I believe you'll be reunited with your beautiful little Emma and and have an eternity to love each other. Maybe you'll be able to skip the throw-up and diapering? I don't mean to be glib, but sometimes I wonder how I'll meet the little second-trimester child I miscarried... I, personally, think we're going to have unlimited joy. :-) Thank you Nancy for being so honest and inspiring. Happy Mother's Day.